We are now up against some pretty tough challenges with the adoption...at this point, I can't get into specific details. Al and I ask that you pray, and gather prayer from anyone & everyone that you know..pray for the Lord to work on the hearts of those in charge of granting adoptions in the legal system. Pray for Violet to keep up faith and strength during this time..pray for our adoption team who is working endlessly to see this through..please pray for my husband, as I will be flying home this weekend to be with our youngest 4 girls, and he will be here alone for a few weeks. Pray for him to keep up his faith and strength..pray for him to gain peace when he is missing his family so heavily...please pray for our family...we didn't really see this coming, and we need to regain our momentum and optimism.
I know the Lords plan is bigger and better than mine..I just have to keep saying that, over and over..
We want to make this a forever smile...
We want to make this a forever smile...
Friday, May 27, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
It's been a few days..
since I've posted, and believe me..it's not due to lack of time. There is A LOT of down time in this process. In fact, if we were not missing our daughters like crazy, worried about having enough money, constantly assuring our safety, oh..and visiting orphans everyday and trying to come up with ways to save them all...we would ALMOST think we were on an extended vacation. No..I took a little break from blogging because I was sick for a few days..and then when I felt better physically, my mental state was such that there was so much going on in my head, I could not think of a decent way to summarize it all. It almost felt like there was nothing to write, when truly...I could have written for days.
So I will ease myself back into it, with a fairly light (but probably lengthy:) blog...
First of all, my apologies to the chefs that I was cursing Sunday morning, while laying on the bathroom floor. I was so sure I had food poisoning, but when the same exact thing happened again Tuesday morning..I realized that it was more likely my ulcer was flaring up, rather than food poisoning. I really have no idea how it slipped my mind Sunday morning, but honestly the pain was so intense I could barely focus on Al..let alone remembering exisitng health conditions. I am now 2 days free from pain, and my mom and dr arranged a scope for me right when I arrive back home..so I am doing my best to avoid stress (haha:) and eating nothing but water and the blandest of foods. Unfortunately, there is nothing even remotely close to Pepto in Ukraine...so for now, I count on prayer that it just will not happen again until I get home. Yes, I know.."what were you thinking Danielle, why not bring some along?" There is no good answer for that:)
Our relationship with Violet is progressing wonderfully. She is definitely a mama's girl...I think some time with Papa (when I leave for home after court) will be really great for those two to bond. She clearly adores him, I just think that having a woman to look up at and love, when you've never had that, is something to cling to. I know from being a daughter AND a mother..that the bond between a mother and daughter is something that cannot be explained in words..only through our eyes and our hearts.
We are absolutely shocked at how well she is doing with her reading, and learning english..yesterday we worked on the alphabet (which she basically already knew) and common words. She surprised us with her fast paced learning, and boy is she eager...she knows how to spell, read, and say the following words..
V i o l e t D a s h a L i t t e l
Mama Papa Grace Bella Maddy Kate
Grandma Grandpa
Mom Dad
school house car dog
cat fish bed
red blue green white pink yellow
orange black purple brown
pants shorts shirt socks
shoes coat boots
She knows what each word means, or who it pertains to. I even tried to trick her when we were going through the family names. I thought she was just going by memorization, so when I got to Kate, I typed in Grandma instead..she looked at the word, and sounded it out. I was so proud of her...she recognizes her sisters names not because she memorized the look of the word, but because she has been working hard to learn. I am telling you, our daughter is bright and is going big places...so she will fit in well with her 4 sisters:)
We took her shopping the other day, because she has not changed clothes one time since we've been here. We brought her to our room/the beach for the day and wanted her to have some "summer clothes"..and honestly, clothes that did not smell so awful. We let her pick our her own outfit..made us cringe:)lol..but the style here IS different. It is slightly more revealing than we would choose, but I was not ready to get into that discussion yet. One of her friends at the orphanage just went google eyed over Violet's new shirt and shorts..we decided that when we leave to come home, we will give the outfit to Christina (her friend). Violet has more clothes already, in her closet at home, than she will know what to do with..we think she will be excited to give the outfit to a friend.
When we took her back to the orphanage after being with us all day, they directed us back to the sea. When we got to where they'd sent us...we saw all of the older kids at the orphanage "bathing" in the sea..by bathing, I mean the girls were down to their bra's and underwear and the boys to their underwear...they were in the water "washing" with no soap...the kids were all freezing, but this is how they get "clean."...and then get right back into their dirty clothes that they've been in for days. Now do realize, as I say this, it is NOT to slam the orphanage..this is just the reality of what these places have to offer. They don't have the funding to purchase soap, toothpaste, toilet paper, toothbrushes etc...these things are extras..luxuries for these orphans. The day after seeing this, I was applying my Nivea lotion...and I just felt sick to my stomach. How blessed I am to have something as simple as lotion...I wonder if these kids even know what lotion is??
Being at the orphanage more, we are able to make some observations. I will start with the positive. We've met some WONDERFUL teachers who truly seem to care about these kids..I would say 3-4 adults in particular really seem to love the kids, and want better for them. On the opposite end...there are some teachers that Al and I would like to take on a little walk, you know..like a blindfolded walk out into the middle of the jungle..that kind of walk. Between a few extreme bullies, and some of these teachers..I find myself talking Al's emotions down at least once per visit. You might find this ridiculous, but I am SO proud of my husband's fierce desire to protect these kids!! I love and appreciate the fact that he wants to shelter the weak..my 5 daughters have the most amazing dad:)
Our facilitator returns to our region today, and we are looking forward to having our translator back! I must say, the job we've done fending for ourselves hasn't been too shabby..but sometimes it's exhausting!
We are missing home very much...it seems like we've been away from the girls for an eternity. This morning, after we made some office visits and completed paperwork, we decided to shop for the girls, and our nieces & nephews. It actually made us feel better..closer to them...to buy them things we know they will love. It was really nice to look at items that personally reflected each daughter, because it made me feel like they were right there nestled in my heart..for instance, we had to get Bella the most hideous purple skirt..because that's her taste..purple and as frilly as can be:) Gracie loves her writing..so we got her some beautiful diaries and pens, for Maddy it's Mickey Mouse, and Kate loves her hats! It made us both really excited to purchase items for them, from the country that their big sis comes from:)
Not too much to report as far as court dates, or any projected dates for returning home yet...we are praying we hear something by tomorrow, but trying not to get too caught up in it..otherwise, it might very well drive us crazy.
Oh, and something else worth noting..I am becoming a master at laundry without a washer and dryer..I do not like it..not a single bit..but I will kiss my washer and dryer when I get home. If you think I am kidding, I invite you to my house on my first day back:)
Lastly..I thank God that Violet's orphanage happens to be where it is. We know some other families were not so lucky with the regions they adopted from, as far as the location goes. I feel very blessed that I get to look at The Black Sea everyday..I get to smell the salt water, and feel the breeze. If I have to be away from MY life for such a long time, I cannot imagine doing it without such beautifulness surrounding me. I have to give the sea a lot of credit for me still being somewhat sane:)
So I will ease myself back into it, with a fairly light (but probably lengthy:) blog...
First of all, my apologies to the chefs that I was cursing Sunday morning, while laying on the bathroom floor. I was so sure I had food poisoning, but when the same exact thing happened again Tuesday morning..I realized that it was more likely my ulcer was flaring up, rather than food poisoning. I really have no idea how it slipped my mind Sunday morning, but honestly the pain was so intense I could barely focus on Al..let alone remembering exisitng health conditions. I am now 2 days free from pain, and my mom and dr arranged a scope for me right when I arrive back home..so I am doing my best to avoid stress (haha:) and eating nothing but water and the blandest of foods. Unfortunately, there is nothing even remotely close to Pepto in Ukraine...so for now, I count on prayer that it just will not happen again until I get home. Yes, I know.."what were you thinking Danielle, why not bring some along?" There is no good answer for that:)
Our relationship with Violet is progressing wonderfully. She is definitely a mama's girl...I think some time with Papa (when I leave for home after court) will be really great for those two to bond. She clearly adores him, I just think that having a woman to look up at and love, when you've never had that, is something to cling to. I know from being a daughter AND a mother..that the bond between a mother and daughter is something that cannot be explained in words..only through our eyes and our hearts.
We are absolutely shocked at how well she is doing with her reading, and learning english..yesterday we worked on the alphabet (which she basically already knew) and common words. She surprised us with her fast paced learning, and boy is she eager...she knows how to spell, read, and say the following words..
V i o l e t D a s h a L i t t e l
Mama Papa Grace Bella Maddy Kate
Grandma Grandpa
Mom Dad
school house car dog
cat fish bed
red blue green white pink yellow
orange black purple brown
pants shorts shirt socks
shoes coat boots
She knows what each word means, or who it pertains to. I even tried to trick her when we were going through the family names. I thought she was just going by memorization, so when I got to Kate, I typed in Grandma instead..she looked at the word, and sounded it out. I was so proud of her...she recognizes her sisters names not because she memorized the look of the word, but because she has been working hard to learn. I am telling you, our daughter is bright and is going big places...so she will fit in well with her 4 sisters:)
We took her shopping the other day, because she has not changed clothes one time since we've been here. We brought her to our room/the beach for the day and wanted her to have some "summer clothes"..and honestly, clothes that did not smell so awful. We let her pick our her own outfit..made us cringe:)lol..but the style here IS different. It is slightly more revealing than we would choose, but I was not ready to get into that discussion yet. One of her friends at the orphanage just went google eyed over Violet's new shirt and shorts..we decided that when we leave to come home, we will give the outfit to Christina (her friend). Violet has more clothes already, in her closet at home, than she will know what to do with..we think she will be excited to give the outfit to a friend.
When we took her back to the orphanage after being with us all day, they directed us back to the sea. When we got to where they'd sent us...we saw all of the older kids at the orphanage "bathing" in the sea..by bathing, I mean the girls were down to their bra's and underwear and the boys to their underwear...they were in the water "washing" with no soap...the kids were all freezing, but this is how they get "clean."...and then get right back into their dirty clothes that they've been in for days. Now do realize, as I say this, it is NOT to slam the orphanage..this is just the reality of what these places have to offer. They don't have the funding to purchase soap, toothpaste, toilet paper, toothbrushes etc...these things are extras..luxuries for these orphans. The day after seeing this, I was applying my Nivea lotion...and I just felt sick to my stomach. How blessed I am to have something as simple as lotion...I wonder if these kids even know what lotion is??
Being at the orphanage more, we are able to make some observations. I will start with the positive. We've met some WONDERFUL teachers who truly seem to care about these kids..I would say 3-4 adults in particular really seem to love the kids, and want better for them. On the opposite end...there are some teachers that Al and I would like to take on a little walk, you know..like a blindfolded walk out into the middle of the jungle..that kind of walk. Between a few extreme bullies, and some of these teachers..I find myself talking Al's emotions down at least once per visit. You might find this ridiculous, but I am SO proud of my husband's fierce desire to protect these kids!! I love and appreciate the fact that he wants to shelter the weak..my 5 daughters have the most amazing dad:)
Our facilitator returns to our region today, and we are looking forward to having our translator back! I must say, the job we've done fending for ourselves hasn't been too shabby..but sometimes it's exhausting!
We are missing home very much...it seems like we've been away from the girls for an eternity. This morning, after we made some office visits and completed paperwork, we decided to shop for the girls, and our nieces & nephews. It actually made us feel better..closer to them...to buy them things we know they will love. It was really nice to look at items that personally reflected each daughter, because it made me feel like they were right there nestled in my heart..for instance, we had to get Bella the most hideous purple skirt..because that's her taste..purple and as frilly as can be:) Gracie loves her writing..so we got her some beautiful diaries and pens, for Maddy it's Mickey Mouse, and Kate loves her hats! It made us both really excited to purchase items for them, from the country that their big sis comes from:)
Not too much to report as far as court dates, or any projected dates for returning home yet...we are praying we hear something by tomorrow, but trying not to get too caught up in it..otherwise, it might very well drive us crazy.
Oh, and something else worth noting..I am becoming a master at laundry without a washer and dryer..I do not like it..not a single bit..but I will kiss my washer and dryer when I get home. If you think I am kidding, I invite you to my house on my first day back:)
Lastly..I thank God that Violet's orphanage happens to be where it is. We know some other families were not so lucky with the regions they adopted from, as far as the location goes. I feel very blessed that I get to look at The Black Sea everyday..I get to smell the salt water, and feel the breeze. If I have to be away from MY life for such a long time, I cannot imagine doing it without such beautifulness surrounding me. I have to give the sea a lot of credit for me still being somewhat sane:)
Monday, May 23, 2011
and it turns out those who came before us, and those who know the process..well, they were right.
I've hit a wall...we had a really nice morning together, and our time with Violet & the kids was wonderful. The balls, jump ropes & frisbees were a huge hit...I mean HUGE. So that was just a few hours ago...and here I am now in a totally different state.
I miss Gracie, Bella, Maddy & Kate so much I feel like my heart might burst. I miss the smell of the tops of their heads..I miss Gracie's energy, Bella's humor, Maddy's smile & Kate's hugs...I miss my girls, I miss them SO much. I am SO lucky to be able to spend my days with them..I long for the next few weeks to fly by so I can get back to that...
I miss seatbelts.
I miss being able to read a menu.
I miss feeling safe on walks (for the most part we do here, but tonight was an exception)
I miss feeling safe when police officers are near, not feeling like a target.
I miss my church.
I miss calls from my best friend when my mornings are at the complete busiest point (though to her credit, she said this last night "it is $4/minute for me to call you, but I don't even care."
I miss my family...parents, sister & brother..grandparents..especially my nieces & nephews.
I miss Lucy saying "DD house."
I miss The Sugar Bear
I MISS MY BED.
I miss my daycare kids
I miss milk
I miss my girls. I miss my girls. I miss my girls.
I miss my dog
I miss my Crazy Love group SOOOO much.
I miss smiles from strangers
I am sure I sound like a complainer...and I guess that's fair. I will say that everything with Violet is going perfectly..in fact, much better than we ever imagined it to be this quickly..and I love her to absolute pieces. I love the time we get to spend with her. I am just ready for it to be at home, with our family complete.
Tonight Al and I are both really down..this is a hard night...it's hard to think about our babies at home..I hope they don't feel like we abandoned them..Please Lord, give them comfort and hug their hearts with our love.
I absolutely cannot wait to go home.
I miss Gracie, Bella, Maddy & Kate so much I feel like my heart might burst. I miss the smell of the tops of their heads..I miss Gracie's energy, Bella's humor, Maddy's smile & Kate's hugs...I miss my girls, I miss them SO much. I am SO lucky to be able to spend my days with them..I long for the next few weeks to fly by so I can get back to that...
I miss seatbelts.
I miss being able to read a menu.
I miss feeling safe on walks (for the most part we do here, but tonight was an exception)
I miss feeling safe when police officers are near, not feeling like a target.
I miss my church.
I miss calls from my best friend when my mornings are at the complete busiest point (though to her credit, she said this last night "it is $4/minute for me to call you, but I don't even care."
I miss my family...parents, sister & brother..grandparents..especially my nieces & nephews.
I miss Lucy saying "DD house."
I miss The Sugar Bear
I MISS MY BED.
I miss my daycare kids
I miss milk
I miss my girls. I miss my girls. I miss my girls.
I miss my dog
I miss my Crazy Love group SOOOO much.
I miss smiles from strangers
I am sure I sound like a complainer...and I guess that's fair. I will say that everything with Violet is going perfectly..in fact, much better than we ever imagined it to be this quickly..and I love her to absolute pieces. I love the time we get to spend with her. I am just ready for it to be at home, with our family complete.
Tonight Al and I are both really down..this is a hard night...it's hard to think about our babies at home..I hope they don't feel like we abandoned them..Please Lord, give them comfort and hug their hearts with our love.
I absolutely cannot wait to go home.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
it is possible to break a happy heart
The last few hours were some of the most powerful of my entire life..on our ride home I was thinking "I cannot wait to get back to our room and blog." Now as I sit here on my computer, I am at a loss for words..between laughter and tears...we've experienced quite a bit today.
We bought several different nail polishes today..when we got to the orphanage I painted Dasha's fingers and toes right away...she was elated. I told her to gather her padrugas (friends) and see if they wanted to get their nails painted too...they lined up like crazy, and we had a BLAST! The girls were so excited that we included them, and they kept looking back and forth from me to their nails in absolute delight.
While this was a really fun time for all of us, in the back of my mind I could not help but realize that the future for these girls is not good...not good at all. I probably painted the nails of 8 girls..the odds that 1 or more of them will become a prostitute are, well, about 100%...the odds that 1 or more of them will not live another 10 years...those are pretty high too.
I had to fight really hard (and I did not win) to hold back the tears at one point...I looked down at the nails I was painting, realizing that this girl is in this "institution" because she had careless parents who were willing to send her off into a bleak future. I am trying to keep my anger in check, but in this moment..I was so mad I could have screamed...we need to wake up, our innocent children are paying the price. Orphans are everywhere in this world..and to be quite blunt, I think it is despicable. I think we need to somehow work to solve this problem.
I had to go to the bathroom today..I walked in and saw there was no toilet paper...I went back out and asked Violet where it is kept..she asked one of her friends, and looked at me shamefully to say there was none. MY CHILD IS LIVING IN A PLACE WHERE SHE DOES NOT HAVE ANY TOILET PAPER. This is unfathomable to me.We will be stocking up on it tonight, and taking it to the orphanage tomorrow.
When we were sitting outside waiting for our driver today, I made sure to hug each of the girls..I kissed their heads and told them they were beautiful...their smiles could have melted the angriest of men. I don't know how long each of them has been an orphan..I don't know their stories, and I don't even know some of their names...but I am certain I know at least one of their dreams..and today, for 2 hours, I got to fullfil those dreams..for 2 hours today, 8 girls had a mama..they had a mama who adores them and saw their inner beauty...in about 2 weeks, I will never see them again...but they will each hold a piece of my heart. I pray that they break the mold in Ukraine..I pray God watches over them, that He may protect them from all they have to fear..
Let me also add that my husband was a total rockstar today..he even fixed some smudges on nails while I was busy with another girl. He made funny faces with them, and taught Violet how to use mama & papa's camera..oh how she loved that, showing off for all of her friends. They were all posing, and even Al got in on the pictures. He played the dad role for these girls, and most of them probably have never known that.
This trip is sometimes too overwhelming for me to take it all in..
We bought several different nail polishes today..when we got to the orphanage I painted Dasha's fingers and toes right away...she was elated. I told her to gather her padrugas (friends) and see if they wanted to get their nails painted too...they lined up like crazy, and we had a BLAST! The girls were so excited that we included them, and they kept looking back and forth from me to their nails in absolute delight.
While this was a really fun time for all of us, in the back of my mind I could not help but realize that the future for these girls is not good...not good at all. I probably painted the nails of 8 girls..the odds that 1 or more of them will become a prostitute are, well, about 100%...the odds that 1 or more of them will not live another 10 years...those are pretty high too.
I had to fight really hard (and I did not win) to hold back the tears at one point...I looked down at the nails I was painting, realizing that this girl is in this "institution" because she had careless parents who were willing to send her off into a bleak future. I am trying to keep my anger in check, but in this moment..I was so mad I could have screamed...we need to wake up, our innocent children are paying the price. Orphans are everywhere in this world..and to be quite blunt, I think it is despicable. I think we need to somehow work to solve this problem.
I had to go to the bathroom today..I walked in and saw there was no toilet paper...I went back out and asked Violet where it is kept..she asked one of her friends, and looked at me shamefully to say there was none. MY CHILD IS LIVING IN A PLACE WHERE SHE DOES NOT HAVE ANY TOILET PAPER. This is unfathomable to me.We will be stocking up on it tonight, and taking it to the orphanage tomorrow.
When we were sitting outside waiting for our driver today, I made sure to hug each of the girls..I kissed their heads and told them they were beautiful...their smiles could have melted the angriest of men. I don't know how long each of them has been an orphan..I don't know their stories, and I don't even know some of their names...but I am certain I know at least one of their dreams..and today, for 2 hours, I got to fullfil those dreams..for 2 hours today, 8 girls had a mama..they had a mama who adores them and saw their inner beauty...in about 2 weeks, I will never see them again...but they will each hold a piece of my heart. I pray that they break the mold in Ukraine..I pray God watches over them, that He may protect them from all they have to fear..
Let me also add that my husband was a total rockstar today..he even fixed some smudges on nails while I was busy with another girl. He made funny faces with them, and taught Violet how to use mama & papa's camera..oh how she loved that, showing off for all of her friends. They were all posing, and even Al got in on the pictures. He played the dad role for these girls, and most of them probably have never known that.
what we see when we aren't looking
I am embarrassed to admit that 2 weeks ago I thought we would come to Ukraine, go through all of the legal formalities, collect our daughter and get the heck outta here. I thought I would be dying to get home, and that I would be miserable in this "terrible place." MAN, what a jerk I was 2 weeks ago..
Let me tell you a little bit about this "terrible place" that I figured would be such hell...
We are staying in a small room, owned by a Tar-Tar family who absolutely could not be sweeter or more accomodating. Our room and bathroom might be small, but they are very clean. They have a little girl (probably 9) who follows me everywhere...she picks all of the flowers around here to give to me:) She loves coming in the room with us..probably because I spoil her with cookies and candy!:) We are less than a minutes walk from The Black Sea, which could not be more breathtaking..I am certain that the tourquoise-blue color of the water could not be duplicated. The smell of the sea is perfect..
We do not have kitchen appliances (or any appliances for that matter) in our room..so other than the snack food we keep in here and can eat for breakfast (and sometimes lunch), we have to go out for meals. We found a nice little cafe by the beach, it's about 10 minutes from our room. We've gone there everyday, not because the food is so exceptional, but because I have fallen in love with the smile of the waitress who works there..she is there from open to close and works so very hard. I have no idea what she is saying to us, and she can't understand our words either (getting better now with our russian/english dictionary:) but this young woman is so warm and kind. They don't tip very well in Ukraine...Al and I are high end tippers even by USA standards..so you can imagine her elation here. We are on a strict budget in Ukraine, but Al and I both said we'd gladly skip a meal a day to be able to give her extra tip money..you would too if you saw the way her eyes sparkle when she counts the cash and we tell her to keep it. Believe me, you would too.
We are in a very small town..and the school here completely intrigues me. It is old and falling apart..it's on a tree covered dirt road..the lilac bushes and beautiful gate that separate it from the street are amazing..it is something out of a magazine..how can it be so old, in such poor shape, yet be beautiful at the same time??
There is garbage everywhere here...all kind of garbage, everywhere I turn. The smell is not plesant, nor is the sight of it..the houses are run down and in most cases, would be condemmed in the US. But let me tell you, the gates and the gardens in this place are truly second to none..I LOVE walking around and looking at them..the flowers and bushes are gorgeous..I mean just stunning...we are definitely in a poor part of the world..but God's beautiful nature exists everywhere..Ukraine is no exception.
The Ukrainian people as a whole aren't the friendliest..they don't really make eye contact, and smiling is not all that common...but everyday I wake up and vow to keep waving, to keep smiling at them. I find it to be quite overwhelming to look at someone here and realize that ultimately, we share the same Father. How is it possible to feel connected to someone who I do not know, and who truthfully probably doesn't care to know me?? I have no idea, but I know it's a powerful feeling.
Don't get me wrong..Ukraine is not in great shape. There is prostitution (adult and child) everywhere...we have seen many many homeless people...the roads, houses, and buildings are in bad shape..but when I look past that, I see the beauty in nature that God created..it becomes really easy to focus on that instead of the poor conditions..
I would be lying if I said I'm not dying to get home..but ONLY because I desperately long to have my family pieced back together...NOT because I despise Ukraine.
I've learned SO much in the short week that we've been here. I still feel (and always will) blessed to be an American. I believe we are lucky to live where we do..we are fortunate and we are free. But we are NOT better...I love my children just the same as a poor single mother here does..my heart beats just the same way as hers, and I desire to nurture my babies just like her...we just really are not that different.
I am so thankful to my God for the life He has provided me..I am thankful for this path He sent me on..
Let me tell you a little bit about this "terrible place" that I figured would be such hell...
We are staying in a small room, owned by a Tar-Tar family who absolutely could not be sweeter or more accomodating. Our room and bathroom might be small, but they are very clean. They have a little girl (probably 9) who follows me everywhere...she picks all of the flowers around here to give to me:) She loves coming in the room with us..probably because I spoil her with cookies and candy!:) We are less than a minutes walk from The Black Sea, which could not be more breathtaking..I am certain that the tourquoise-blue color of the water could not be duplicated. The smell of the sea is perfect..
We do not have kitchen appliances (or any appliances for that matter) in our room..so other than the snack food we keep in here and can eat for breakfast (and sometimes lunch), we have to go out for meals. We found a nice little cafe by the beach, it's about 10 minutes from our room. We've gone there everyday, not because the food is so exceptional, but because I have fallen in love with the smile of the waitress who works there..she is there from open to close and works so very hard. I have no idea what she is saying to us, and she can't understand our words either (getting better now with our russian/english dictionary:) but this young woman is so warm and kind. They don't tip very well in Ukraine...Al and I are high end tippers even by USA standards..so you can imagine her elation here. We are on a strict budget in Ukraine, but Al and I both said we'd gladly skip a meal a day to be able to give her extra tip money..you would too if you saw the way her eyes sparkle when she counts the cash and we tell her to keep it. Believe me, you would too.
We are in a very small town..and the school here completely intrigues me. It is old and falling apart..it's on a tree covered dirt road..the lilac bushes and beautiful gate that separate it from the street are amazing..it is something out of a magazine..how can it be so old, in such poor shape, yet be beautiful at the same time??
There is garbage everywhere here...all kind of garbage, everywhere I turn. The smell is not plesant, nor is the sight of it..the houses are run down and in most cases, would be condemmed in the US. But let me tell you, the gates and the gardens in this place are truly second to none..I LOVE walking around and looking at them..the flowers and bushes are gorgeous..I mean just stunning...we are definitely in a poor part of the world..but God's beautiful nature exists everywhere..Ukraine is no exception.
The Ukrainian people as a whole aren't the friendliest..they don't really make eye contact, and smiling is not all that common...but everyday I wake up and vow to keep waving, to keep smiling at them. I find it to be quite overwhelming to look at someone here and realize that ultimately, we share the same Father. How is it possible to feel connected to someone who I do not know, and who truthfully probably doesn't care to know me?? I have no idea, but I know it's a powerful feeling.
Don't get me wrong..Ukraine is not in great shape. There is prostitution (adult and child) everywhere...we have seen many many homeless people...the roads, houses, and buildings are in bad shape..but when I look past that, I see the beauty in nature that God created..it becomes really easy to focus on that instead of the poor conditions..
I would be lying if I said I'm not dying to get home..but ONLY because I desperately long to have my family pieced back together...NOT because I despise Ukraine.
I've learned SO much in the short week that we've been here. I still feel (and always will) blessed to be an American. I believe we are lucky to live where we do..we are fortunate and we are free. But we are NOT better...I love my children just the same as a poor single mother here does..my heart beats just the same way as hers, and I desire to nurture my babies just like her...we just really are not that different.
Friday, May 20, 2011
A new future, a new name..
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Time to get to the truth
In August 2010, God put a 15 year old Ukrainian orphan girl on my heart, and also my husbands. Here we are, May 2011...and this orphan girl is our daughter...of course, if you ask me (and you should, I am her mom which makes me the boss:) she became our daughter February 23, 1995 when she was born..anyway, this blog is not specifically about Dasha...so here we go..
As we are driving from one part of Ukraine to another, all in search of a few documents...I am looking out my window at this beautiful country and listening to worship music on my iPod...my mind is working on overdrive right now..
ADOPTION~ I cannot believe how in less than 1 week, my life has been forever altered..yes, we are gaining the perfect addition to our family!
Everyday I am looking at children of all ages who have no family, no mom and dad, no home..these kids wave and smile at us...they say hello in english just so that we might notice them. I would honestly bet my right arm that as they look at us sitting on the bench with Dasha, they are thinking "please God, why can't they be here for me?" Dear sweet children, I promise you that I wish we could..Lord, I wish we could bring them all home.
I decided to blog about my feelings..not as a lecture, not as a criticism...not even as a pep talk...just for an honest to goodness talk about the truth. WE CAN ALL DO SOMETHING, WE CAN ALL GIVE. SOMETHING.
If you have ever thought about adoption, DO IT. If it's nagging at you..if it's something you wonder about...take the leap..take the leap PLEASE.
I am not saying adopt from Ukraine..this is obviously the country for us..this is where God sent us..but thank the Lord that He doesn't designate the same path for everyone..whether it is a domestic adoption, or internatinal..whether it's a baby or a teenager...it could be your 13 year old cousins' baby...IT DOESN'T MATTER..it's the same impact..it's the giving of your heart that makes a difference in a LIFE..My God people...we are talking about LIFE..SAVE ONE!!
In August of 2010, Al and I did not have $38,000...in fact, we don't have that now! But how much did Dasha's adoption cost?? A little more than $38,000...and did we adopt Dasha? ABSOLUTELY. God made it possible, and He will for you too..."Our God is mighty to save."
There is no denying that Dasha is our daughter because of hundreds of amazing people..God worked through them all..a single mom in FL, who does not know me, and I do not know her...sent us a $10 check with a note apologizing for not being able to send more...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That woman strengthened my faith in a perfect God..I will never forget her...and I will squeeze her tight when I meet her in Heaven:)
I am going to take a minute and get really honest...not to toot our horn..not to give you a little TMI:) But simply to paint a real picture for encouragment..I stay home with our 4 (now 5) daughters. My husband is a public school teacher and coach...we live on less than $3,000 per month. We have a beautiful (in my humble opinion:) home...we have 2 vehicles..our kids are involved in several extra activities...we don't vacation much, but we have an incredibly close and loving family. I get to spend everyday with my daughters, and my husband has a job that he wakes up excited to go to every morning. That being said, we didn't have $500 dollars to put toward an adoption, let alone $38,000...yet here we are...not because of anything we have done, but because of eveything God has done...I tell you this so that you are able to understand that we had to work for this..the means were not "just there" for us...The Littel Family is proof that with God, anything is possible. Especially when God works through the hearts of our family, our friends, and people we've never met...I'll take a minute here to thank YOU ALL again for your amazing support...financial, spiritual, and everything else in between...because of you...a 16 year old girl will NOT become a prostitute, will NOT be homless, and will NOT be unloved. BECAUSE OF YOU, BECAUSE OF GOD.
Sooo, not everyone is in a position to adopt..NOT because of financial reasons (I know how to fundraise if anyone wants assistance:) but some countries have strict rules on age, marriage, etc..I don't know much about adoption in the US..but I do know that not everyone can adopt. HOWEVER...EVERYONE can help in some way..there is always something you can give..always something you can do..Big Brother Big Sister, tutor an underprivileged child..take them out to eat, take them to a toy store...volunteer..check with a local church to see where they know of some need that you can help with, mentor a child...sweep your elderly neighbors porch..Mission trips~ Kyle Douglass, Darnells, Caitlin & Allie, you are heroes! Redline, Amanda~Laura~Eleni, complete ROCKSTARS! My very best friend gives to every charity there is..in fact, sometimes I worry that she is duped into donating to charities that might not even exist:) I have several more friends who give in all sorts of ways:) We ALL have something to give...time, love, money, emotional support...a combination of all of the above...I am convinced that if we all play a role, we can change this entire failing world...I am looking around at ALL countries, and seeing kids and families who are suffering beyond belief...reach out, help just one..if each of us does...I seriously cannot even imagine the result..I think God would be proud of His children..I know He would..I know we can do it...
When we first decided to adopt, we had about 70% support, and 30% opposition from our family and friends..the people who opposed our decision had nothing but the best of intentions..but in the most respectful way possible, they were wrong...and those of us who are not doing anything to help the problems in the world now...we are wrong too...don't let the fear of the unknown stop you..don't get stuck in the feeling that you have nothing to offer...I don't even know each person personally who reads my blog...BUT I do know that YOU have something to offer someone...and it ALL makes a difference...
Again, I would like to stress this is not meant to insult anyone...but witnessing what I have these past 6 days has inspired me tremendously to encourage change..to encourage love and support for all of our brothers and sisters in Christ, and even more for those who are lost..
"There's a little flame inside us all, some shine bright, some shine small. The rains will come, and the waters rise...but don't you ever lose your light."
As we are driving from one part of Ukraine to another, all in search of a few documents...I am looking out my window at this beautiful country and listening to worship music on my iPod...my mind is working on overdrive right now..
ADOPTION~ I cannot believe how in less than 1 week, my life has been forever altered..yes, we are gaining the perfect addition to our family!
Everyday I am looking at children of all ages who have no family, no mom and dad, no home..these kids wave and smile at us...they say hello in english just so that we might notice them. I would honestly bet my right arm that as they look at us sitting on the bench with Dasha, they are thinking "please God, why can't they be here for me?" Dear sweet children, I promise you that I wish we could..Lord, I wish we could bring them all home.
I decided to blog about my feelings..not as a lecture, not as a criticism...not even as a pep talk...just for an honest to goodness talk about the truth. WE CAN ALL DO SOMETHING, WE CAN ALL GIVE. SOMETHING.
If you have ever thought about adoption, DO IT. If it's nagging at you..if it's something you wonder about...take the leap..take the leap PLEASE.
I am not saying adopt from Ukraine..this is obviously the country for us..this is where God sent us..but thank the Lord that He doesn't designate the same path for everyone..whether it is a domestic adoption, or internatinal..whether it's a baby or a teenager...it could be your 13 year old cousins' baby...IT DOESN'T MATTER..it's the same impact..it's the giving of your heart that makes a difference in a LIFE..My God people...we are talking about LIFE..SAVE ONE!!
In August of 2010, Al and I did not have $38,000...in fact, we don't have that now! But how much did Dasha's adoption cost?? A little more than $38,000...and did we adopt Dasha? ABSOLUTELY. God made it possible, and He will for you too..."Our God is mighty to save."
There is no denying that Dasha is our daughter because of hundreds of amazing people..God worked through them all..a single mom in FL, who does not know me, and I do not know her...sent us a $10 check with a note apologizing for not being able to send more...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! That woman strengthened my faith in a perfect God..I will never forget her...and I will squeeze her tight when I meet her in Heaven:)
I am going to take a minute and get really honest...not to toot our horn..not to give you a little TMI:) But simply to paint a real picture for encouragment..I stay home with our 4 (now 5) daughters. My husband is a public school teacher and coach...we live on less than $3,000 per month. We have a beautiful (in my humble opinion:) home...we have 2 vehicles..our kids are involved in several extra activities...we don't vacation much, but we have an incredibly close and loving family. I get to spend everyday with my daughters, and my husband has a job that he wakes up excited to go to every morning. That being said, we didn't have $500 dollars to put toward an adoption, let alone $38,000...yet here we are...not because of anything we have done, but because of eveything God has done...I tell you this so that you are able to understand that we had to work for this..the means were not "just there" for us...The Littel Family is proof that with God, anything is possible. Especially when God works through the hearts of our family, our friends, and people we've never met...I'll take a minute here to thank YOU ALL again for your amazing support...financial, spiritual, and everything else in between...because of you...a 16 year old girl will NOT become a prostitute, will NOT be homless, and will NOT be unloved. BECAUSE OF YOU, BECAUSE OF GOD.
Sooo, not everyone is in a position to adopt..NOT because of financial reasons (I know how to fundraise if anyone wants assistance:) but some countries have strict rules on age, marriage, etc..I don't know much about adoption in the US..but I do know that not everyone can adopt. HOWEVER...EVERYONE can help in some way..there is always something you can give..always something you can do..Big Brother Big Sister, tutor an underprivileged child..take them out to eat, take them to a toy store...volunteer..check with a local church to see where they know of some need that you can help with, mentor a child...sweep your elderly neighbors porch..Mission trips~ Kyle Douglass, Darnells, Caitlin & Allie, you are heroes! Redline, Amanda~Laura~Eleni, complete ROCKSTARS! My very best friend gives to every charity there is..in fact, sometimes I worry that she is duped into donating to charities that might not even exist:) I have several more friends who give in all sorts of ways:) We ALL have something to give...time, love, money, emotional support...a combination of all of the above...I am convinced that if we all play a role, we can change this entire failing world...I am looking around at ALL countries, and seeing kids and families who are suffering beyond belief...reach out, help just one..if each of us does...I seriously cannot even imagine the result..I think God would be proud of His children..I know He would..I know we can do it...
When we first decided to adopt, we had about 70% support, and 30% opposition from our family and friends..the people who opposed our decision had nothing but the best of intentions..but in the most respectful way possible, they were wrong...and those of us who are not doing anything to help the problems in the world now...we are wrong too...don't let the fear of the unknown stop you..don't get stuck in the feeling that you have nothing to offer...I don't even know each person personally who reads my blog...BUT I do know that YOU have something to offer someone...and it ALL makes a difference...
Again, I would like to stress this is not meant to insult anyone...but witnessing what I have these past 6 days has inspired me tremendously to encourage change..to encourage love and support for all of our brothers and sisters in Christ, and even more for those who are lost..
"There's a little flame inside us all, some shine bright, some shine small. The rains will come, and the waters rise...but don't you ever lose your light."
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Our daughter was born on February 23, 1995...and today, God gave her to us.
I am not sure that I'm skilled enough to put into words just what today was..well, in fact, I am SURE that I am not...so I will do my best to try and share with you what it's like to meet your daughter for the very first time, yet KNOW that she has always been yours.
We got off the train about 8:50am, and took the 2 hour drive (let me say thank goodness for anxiety meds because 100 mph and no seat belts is NOT my idea of feeling secure:) to Dasha's orphanage. When we passed through the city she was born in, my heart was racing...I imagined her running down the streets with her friends, laughing and playing. I also let my mind wander to her life there, and whatever happened that lead her to the orphanage..but I had to let that go quickly because Mama (as Dasha calls me) was feeling the claws come out:)
When we pulled up to her orphanage, it was all Al & I could do not to swing open the car door, and roll out of the moving car:) But we waited, and walked inside with poise. We sat in the directors (a complete angel) office for a few minutes, waiting for our girl to come in. The minute she did, tears flowed like crazy and she ran into our arms...she did not let go..which was just fine by us. I couldn't stop kissing the top of her head, and looking at her unbelievably gorgeous face..the above picture is one my husband was smart enough to capture..we will treasure that forever..it is raw emotion. Dasha was squeezing us SO hard...pure magic.
We got to spend about 2 hours with her. She walked us all around, showed us where she sleeps, eats, and goes to school...our daughter would not let go of our hands..ever. She hugged us, she kissed our cheeks...she must have said "I love you" 100 times..."I love you Mama" " I love you Papa"..."Dasha happy"...
In our meeting with the director and inspector, they noted that Dasha resembled her papa (Al)...the smiles on both of their faces...I absolutely WILL NEVER FORGET THAT...for as long as I live.
We ended the day in the field..Al was laying on his side, my head was on top on his stomach (like a T) and our daughter was nestled in my arms..the 3 of us fell asleep until they came to get us..
This is a perfect day, and we have 5 perfect daughters.
Monday, May 16, 2011
SDA appointment is in the books
Today at 11, we had our SDA appointment (to obtain the referral allowing us to visit Dasha's orphanage). It was brief, and simple. She asked us to talk about ourselves, our family, and our reasons for wanting to adopt Dasha...all of you know these answers already, so I won't go into them again!:)
Then she pulled out Dasha's "file" which in reality was 1 piece of paper, full on the front and about 1/2 full on the back. It had a picture of Dasha on it..maybe taken when she was between 5-8?? Ages are tough to determine here..kids look quite young. She explained that Dasha has been in the orphanage since at least 2006, most likely before that...but they don't have the paperwork?? I don't understand...she explained her family situation, which was exactly what we'd been told months ago..nothing new there. She explained that Dasha was considered "mentally retarded" and went on to say that she used to wet the bed quite frequently. Now, this was a very nice woman..but let me tell you..the mom in me was dying to shout "stop talking about my daughter like this!" She is not an object..she is a person, a fragile little girl who has been cast away by those who should have loved her. My eyes were full of tears as she talked about Dasha like she knew her..how dare she say these things, I thought? After the appointment I calmed down, and realized that in actuality...this woman probably does know more about Dasha than I do...but Dasha is my daughter, and I am the one who loves her...so I really don't care what's "in her file." It will never affect what's in my heart..if I could say that in Ukrainian...I would have done just that:)! Let me clarify that this is not being written in anger...just the best way I know to portray my feelings, and give you a sense of this process.
We were able to travel downtown for our appointments this morning..I cannot figure Ukraine out. The downtown area is actually really neat..comparable to Chicago...size and set-up. Our facilitator explained that about 4 million people live in Kiev...it's huge! Lots of shopping, and very neat buildings. It appears that downtown is fairly well taken care of..we were told this is as civilized as Ukraine gets. Take out the different language, and it's quite close to the USA...oh yeah, and the cobblestone roads are unique too:)
Tomorrow between 4-5pm we will pick up our referral, and board an overnight train to Simferopol...I don't know exactly how long this trip will take...I BELIEVE 11 hours...once we arrive there, we will travel by car to Dasha's region. We will have to meet with directors and officials...and work on paperwork..but not too long after that we should be able to see our daughter!! I am praying for Thursday..
Sometimes Al will look at me, or I will look at him...we just shake our heads in amazement that we are actually here..this is all becoming real..finally! More and more, we feel just how blessed we are.
Neither of us are feeling so great today..could be the different foods, or that we rinsed our toothbrushes in water (ok, that was only me bc I didn't believe Al that it would be that big of a deal..turns out he might be on to something)...we are hoping to get some rest to gear up for the rest of the trip..where we are now in Kiev...well this is as good as it gets in terms of accomodations and safety. Honestly though, right now I feel like you could have me sleep on the sidewalk..I JUST WANT TO SEE OUR GIRL.
I feel like I already know what Dasha will sound like, smell like, look like, and feel like as I hold her. How is it possible that a child I've never met has taken my heart and made it her own? On that note, how is it possible that my one heart has been taken by 5 girls, and one amazing man? And at the same time, my entire heart has been given to Jesus Christ....it is ONLY through God that this is possible, that's how. If I were to look at this in a wordly manner..it would be overwhelming, it wouldn't make sense...but thank You Lord, it makes perfect sense to me..it is my life, and it's only because of You.
Then she pulled out Dasha's "file" which in reality was 1 piece of paper, full on the front and about 1/2 full on the back. It had a picture of Dasha on it..maybe taken when she was between 5-8?? Ages are tough to determine here..kids look quite young. She explained that Dasha has been in the orphanage since at least 2006, most likely before that...but they don't have the paperwork?? I don't understand...she explained her family situation, which was exactly what we'd been told months ago..nothing new there. She explained that Dasha was considered "mentally retarded" and went on to say that she used to wet the bed quite frequently. Now, this was a very nice woman..but let me tell you..the mom in me was dying to shout "stop talking about my daughter like this!" She is not an object..she is a person, a fragile little girl who has been cast away by those who should have loved her. My eyes were full of tears as she talked about Dasha like she knew her..how dare she say these things, I thought? After the appointment I calmed down, and realized that in actuality...this woman probably does know more about Dasha than I do...but Dasha is my daughter, and I am the one who loves her...so I really don't care what's "in her file." It will never affect what's in my heart..if I could say that in Ukrainian...I would have done just that:)! Let me clarify that this is not being written in anger...just the best way I know to portray my feelings, and give you a sense of this process.
We were able to travel downtown for our appointments this morning..I cannot figure Ukraine out. The downtown area is actually really neat..comparable to Chicago...size and set-up. Our facilitator explained that about 4 million people live in Kiev...it's huge! Lots of shopping, and very neat buildings. It appears that downtown is fairly well taken care of..we were told this is as civilized as Ukraine gets. Take out the different language, and it's quite close to the USA...oh yeah, and the cobblestone roads are unique too:)
Tomorrow between 4-5pm we will pick up our referral, and board an overnight train to Simferopol...I don't know exactly how long this trip will take...I BELIEVE 11 hours...once we arrive there, we will travel by car to Dasha's region. We will have to meet with directors and officials...and work on paperwork..but not too long after that we should be able to see our daughter!! I am praying for Thursday..
Sometimes Al will look at me, or I will look at him...we just shake our heads in amazement that we are actually here..this is all becoming real..finally! More and more, we feel just how blessed we are.
Neither of us are feeling so great today..could be the different foods, or that we rinsed our toothbrushes in water (ok, that was only me bc I didn't believe Al that it would be that big of a deal..turns out he might be on to something)...we are hoping to get some rest to gear up for the rest of the trip..where we are now in Kiev...well this is as good as it gets in terms of accomodations and safety. Honestly though, right now I feel like you could have me sleep on the sidewalk..I JUST WANT TO SEE OUR GIRL.
I feel like I already know what Dasha will sound like, smell like, look like, and feel like as I hold her. How is it possible that a child I've never met has taken my heart and made it her own? On that note, how is it possible that my one heart has been taken by 5 girls, and one amazing man? And at the same time, my entire heart has been given to Jesus Christ....it is ONLY through God that this is possible, that's how. If I were to look at this in a wordly manner..it would be overwhelming, it wouldn't make sense...but thank You Lord, it makes perfect sense to me..it is my life, and it's only because of You.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
We've arrived!
After starting our Friday the 13th departure date with a cancelled flight and some VERY drunk passengers holding up the process, we have arrived in Kiev!:) Thanks to my dad for rushing us to Chicago to catch our next flight, and even with a bit of time to spare...and thamks to American Airlines for finally realizing they could not reason with such intoxication, and booting them off the flight:)
The team that met us at the aiport was very friendly and helpful...they got us all settled in, to what is quite a cozy apartment. Our facilitator made my day when the first thing he said to us after introductions was "I have a phone and internet modem for you." Did you read my mind?? My worry was that communication with our daughters (and fam/friends:) would be difficult to impossible..thanks to him for easing that immediately..I have already spoken to my dad, and will talk to the girls today...just have to maneuver through this time difference issue:)
We feel really excited to be in the same country as our daughter!! As the team explained, she is still very far away from where we are...but hey, we are together in one country...that's an improvement!! We hope she knows that we're here..I hope she feels one ounce of the overwhelming emotion that I do..because if she does...we are in pretty good shape. God led us to this point beginning in August 2010, and let me tell ya, He has a hold of my heart right now and it is just bursting with excitement!! Our daughter...we soon will finally be with our daughter...and even better than that, within 1-2 months...we will be home with ALL 5 of our daughters...this is the only gift I will ever need..for the rest of my life..I'm set..sometimes I feel like these blessings are too much for one person..an amazing husband, 5 perfect daughters...I don't know why You gave them to me God, but I'll continue thanking you for the rest of my life...and then forever after that..
The team that met us at the aiport was very friendly and helpful...they got us all settled in, to what is quite a cozy apartment. Our facilitator made my day when the first thing he said to us after introductions was "I have a phone and internet modem for you." Did you read my mind?? My worry was that communication with our daughters (and fam/friends:) would be difficult to impossible..thanks to him for easing that immediately..I have already spoken to my dad, and will talk to the girls today...just have to maneuver through this time difference issue:)
We feel really excited to be in the same country as our daughter!! As the team explained, she is still very far away from where we are...but hey, we are together in one country...that's an improvement!! We hope she knows that we're here..I hope she feels one ounce of the overwhelming emotion that I do..because if she does...we are in pretty good shape. God led us to this point beginning in August 2010, and let me tell ya, He has a hold of my heart right now and it is just bursting with excitement!! Our daughter...we soon will finally be with our daughter...and even better than that, within 1-2 months...we will be home with ALL 5 of our daughters...this is the only gift I will ever need..for the rest of my life..I'm set..sometimes I feel like these blessings are too much for one person..an amazing husband, 5 perfect daughters...I don't know why You gave them to me God, but I'll continue thanking you for the rest of my life...and then forever after that..
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