sometimes it takes my breath away...

when I think about this process.  I cannot believe how much it has drained us..not just financially, but mentally and emotionally.  The stress level that comes from the up & down emotional roller coaster, is sometimes too much to handle.  My husband is stressed out in Ukraine, he wants to come home and is missing our girls like crazy.  Violet is absolutely dying to get home to me, she tells me every time we skype..both of their hearts ache.  Al does not have the comforts of home, he has reached the absolute end of his patience level...and today we learned of another delay.  I do not know what this means for us..for our sanity.

I am exhausted.  I love my daughters more than any words could ever explain...it's just that sometimes, I want to be left alone for 2 minutes...or sleep through the night without someone waking up crying...EVERY time my computer makes a noise, the girls yell "daddy" or "Violet"...when it's Kate yelling, I hear "Biolet":)  Then they talk , and then I am bombarded with the same exact question...when will they be home?  Yesterday, I had an answer...today, I do not.  I am tired of this process.  It makes NO sense to me, and it is the very thing that is complicating my life to the point of absolute and total exhaustion and defeat.

Make NO mistake, I am thankful beyond belief that our adoption was granted.  I am thankful to those who made it happen, most of all being my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Today though...tonight...it's rough.  I am sad, mad, lonely and overwhelmed all in one.

I miss my husband more than I could ever explain.  If you ask me, 11 weeks is long enough for him to be in Ukraine.  I miss Vi...I need my daughter to be home with her sisters.

I do realize I sound like a spoiled brat in this post.

 I also realize that my life is blessed, totally and completely blessed.  We won in the Court of Appeals, when really, we probably stood NO chance.  We have 5 healthy and beautiful, smart & caring daughters...I have a husband who loves me with every last bit of his soul, and I love him just the same.

BUT C'MON.  Enough is enough...I need my family to be together.  I need Vi to be in her home, in her own brand new bedroom, with her family that loves her.  I need my daughters to have their daddy back home...I need them to stop growing up so fast, because he is missing SO much.  I need my husband back.  I need to feel whole again.

I need to continue to pray for patience and understanding....because they are both fading fast.  God has never failed me, and will never fail me...I know this..I am just struggling to keep my stress level down, and my happiness level up.

I have NEVER felt exhaustion like this.

Saturday, September 24th

Please email me at daniellelittel@yahoo.com if you are interested in coming to Violet's Sweet 16 & Welcome Home Open House...

I am choosing not to post our address publicly, because even though I know NONE of you:) are anything but wonderful people...this IS a public forum and I don't want the world knowing where we live!!

Saturday, September 24th 4:00pm-7:00pm

Please stop by to welcome Violet to the USA! We will be celebrating her birthday too, with snack foods, beverages, and cake. We are holding this as an open house type of event, so as not to overwhelm her with so many people at one time. We really look forward to seeing you there, and introducing our amazing new daughter! Thanks for ALL of your support throughout the last year:)

We would love to include anyone & everyone who has been with us on this journey...I recognize that not all of these people are on Facebook or the internet/our blog. Please feel free to invite ANYONE you know who has so much as prayed (because that has been the BIGGEST factor:) for Violet...This is not just for people who have financially supported our cause..while that made her adoption possible, it's the prayer and emotional support that paved the road for us...

We cannot wait to celebrate with you!

Praise Jesus

our daughter is coming home...more details to come...but God worked through these amazing judges..SHE IS A LITTEL!

and still we wait

We expected to have our answer on the 10th, but the court decided to postpone their judgement until next Wednesday, the 17th...we've been told this is a good thing.  I guess it is better than another refusal, but when we have been waiting a year (365 days exactly this Monday)...another week seems like an eternity.

The judges were much kinder to us this time...overall (where the judges are concerned), we felt like this was a better experience.  They treated Al, Violet, and me, with respect.  Our girl was so impressive...she is very shy and soft-spoken.  We worked with her the day before court on making eye contact with the judges, and speaking clearly & loudly.  Honestly, I did not know if she had it in her.  Let me tell you, that girl walked to the front of the court room...and if I could only choose one word to describe her, it would most definitely be BOLD.  The pride was written all over our faces..she is so amazing.

I am keeping draft blogs that go into more detail. I will publish these at a more appropriate time...until then, please keep praying for a positive ruling next Wednesday..

Thank you all, so very much, for your support.

Tuesday 8/9

We had a meeting with the attorney today, and then went to Violet's new orphanage.  It is a nice place, I guess.  Al recorded when we saw her for the first time, so when I get home I'll share it...we don't have the proper cords with us to post it now.

It was a wonderful feeling to hold her in my arms again...she didn't let go, and neither did I.  She was so eager to talk with us.  We had a tough time getting the computer to work, so we refrenced the English/Russian dictionary a lot.  It didn't take long before we could just understand eachother though!!  Right back to where we left off when we were in Ukraine last time!  The BIGGEST blessing is that she did know we were coming...that was my biggest fear.  When we left last time, she was afraid we would not come back.  It is pointless to try and reassure someone who only knows how to be let down that you will return for her...when we asked her today if she knew, she shook her head in a very excited yes.  My heart smiled at that....

This new orphanage director said that she believes if Violet had been in school from the beginning, she would not have any issues with learning...seems to me someone else has said that from Day 1..oh yes, it was her mother, ME.  I do not say this to spite anyone..I just say it to prove the bond between a mother and her children...not always a biological mother either...just a real mother, which is how I define myself with it comes to Violet Dasha  Littel.

I cannot even begin to cover the mixed emotions that Al and I are experiencing right now..one minute we are confident tomorrow will go our way, and the next, we expect the worse.  Two things worth noting though...take them as you wish.

1) I have been praying, about 90% of each day...that's what I'm doing:)  I have asked for God to show me some sort of sign...I don't want to go in tomorrow expecting to walk out with my daughter (in the legal manner), only to have the appeal denied.  Last time, we were completely shocked...we were not prepared...I cannot face that much heartbreak at one time again..so I've just been praying for Him to give me a peace, either way.  So yesterday, on our flights from Chicago to Germany, and then from Germany to Kiev..our seats were 23E and 23F..both flights, the exact same seats.  Al, Violet, and I all have birthdays on the 23rd..E could be for effort (which we have all shown) and F for family, or February (Vi's bday), or Finally:)lol...I am no fool...I know this could be a simple coincidence....and if this has happened to you before...same exact seat, 2 different flights...please don't tell me because I am grasping on to anything right now.

2) I absolutely cannot picture my life without Violet.  I can't imagine not waking her up in the morning for school, and I can't imagine her not being there for the holidays, birthdays etc...I truly can't even envision what that would be like...so I feel like that just has to mean something. Right?

We got to spend time with Violet's friends Christina and Vlera today...what I wouldn't give to find them a home..preferably in Paw Paw, MI:)  Those are two absolutely amazing girls and they adore our daughter.  They love to sit with us when we are there...we could read the phonebook to them, wouldn't matter.  They just love to be noticed, to be valued.  They just want someone to SEE them...girls, I promise I see you...and I will continue to see you for the rest of my life.

We talked to our facilitator today about ways to get them to the USA...even on an exchange program or something.  I just don't understand why it's so hard to bring these girls to our wonderful country..I feel something stirring inside of me, like digging deeper, pushing past barriers to create new rules for these orphans. I mean, these are kids bright enough to change the world...happy enough to make you permanently smile..and loving enough to wrap your heart.  We need them...more than they need us.  They are a beautiful gift...

I pray every person has the opportunity to visit an orphanage.  Do not shy away from it...don't be scared of the pain, or what you will see.  Let's get it out of the way right now...you will hurt.  You will see the worst side of awful.  But more than that, you will see God's most precious gifts...and they will open your eyes forever.

written Monday night on our last flight

It is currently 7:37pm in Ukraine.  We’ve left Kiev, and are flying to Simferopol…our final destination in this 4 flight process.  Al and I have been awake for over 30 hours right now…and we are dragging.  As we were taking off, I was staring out the window at the land below me…the Ukrainian land that is currently home to my daughter.  All at once, I realized the magnitude of these next 3 days.  And I wanted to jump up and down and make someone, anyone, hear me.  How is it possible that we are back here again, to fight for something that should have been automatic?  Something that is right, in every single aspect?  I cannot figure this out…I can only hope it becomes part of the story we get to tell our daughters for years and years to come.  The story that ends with our oldest daughter coming home, to Paw Paw MI…where she has always belonged.  If this is the outcome we reach, I’d do all of this 100 times over…

I have been so faithful these past few days…just really believing that justice will prevail at 10:30am on Wednesday morning.  So why now, am I letting nervousness take me?  I believe God gave us our daughter, so why can’t I believe the Ukrainian government will give her to us?

I am scared to death.  I am scared that the words I’ve been imagining hearing from the judge, will not be the words that he actually says.  I’m afraid that we’ve given hope to a girl, promised her a family that we may not be able to give her.  And all of this lies in the hands of people that I cannot say this very thing to…

I have SO much to say…so many thoughts, so much emotion to cover.  I cannot imagine my life without Violet, I don’t know what my house will be like, if she is not in it.  Last week, Bella got emotional…and teary eyed saying that she really wanted to see Violet.  So how do I explain this to a judge?  How do I tell him that the decision isn’t actually his…she is already our daughter, our sister, our niece, our granddaughter.  We need a few papers signed by the judge..but we don’t need an answer…God gave us the answer August 15, 2010.

So if I know all of these things, and I desperately do…I believe them in the deepest part of my soul…how do I ignore the nerves and the fears?  How do I stop picturing my daughter’s life if she is to remain in Ukraine?  I don’t want to give doubt a way to creep in…with everything in my being I want to push it away…I just feel like I don’t know how.  I feel unsettled, and I don’t feel a peace about our hearing…and there is no way to describe how much that scares me.

Please, please pray for these 3 judges.  Please pray that God would speak into their hearts…that He would open their eyes to our family and the place that Violet has in it.  Please pray for strength for Violet…as hard as this is for us…I know it is unimaginably worse for her.  She knows what her life becomes, if she does not come home with us.  She needs God to give her all the peace and comfort her beautiful heart needs to feel whole.  Our daughter needs  us…please pray for that to be apparent when we go to court on Wednesday.

getting close!

Al and I fly out Sunday, headed to Ukraine for the final time.  We are both extremely eager to get there, hug our daughter, and hear the words that she is legally ours.  We DO believe this WILL happen.  Our court date is Wednesday, Aug 10...we will have an answer that day and will keep everyone posted...thanks for your prayers in advance:)