when I think about this process. I cannot believe how much it has drained us..not just financially, but mentally and emotionally. The stress level that comes from the up & down emotional roller coaster, is sometimes too much to handle. My husband is stressed out in Ukraine, he wants to come home and is missing our girls like crazy. Violet is absolutely dying to get home to me, she tells me every time we skype..both of their hearts ache. Al does not have the comforts of home, he has reached the absolute end of his patience level...and today we learned of another delay. I do not know what this means for us..for our sanity.
I am exhausted. I love my daughters more than any words could ever explain...it's just that sometimes, I want to be left alone for 2 minutes...or sleep through the night without someone waking up crying...EVERY time my computer makes a noise, the girls yell "daddy" or "Violet"...when it's Kate yelling, I hear "Biolet":) Then they talk , and then I am bombarded with the same exact question...when will they be home? Yesterday, I had an answer...today, I do not. I am tired of this process. It makes NO sense to me, and it is the very thing that is complicating my life to the point of absolute and total exhaustion and defeat.
Make NO mistake, I am thankful beyond belief that our adoption was granted. I am thankful to those who made it happen, most of all being my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Today though...tonight...it's rough. I am sad, mad, lonely and overwhelmed all in one.
I miss my husband more than I could ever explain. If you ask me, 11 weeks is long enough for him to be in Ukraine. I miss Vi...I need my daughter to be home with her sisters.
I do realize I sound like a spoiled brat in this post.
I also realize that my life is blessed, totally and completely blessed. We won in the Court of Appeals, when really, we probably stood NO chance. We have 5 healthy and beautiful, smart & caring daughters...I have a husband who loves me with every last bit of his soul, and I love him just the same.
BUT C'MON. Enough is enough...I need my family to be together. I need Vi to be in her home, in her own brand new bedroom, with her family that loves her. I need my daughters to have their daddy back home...I need them to stop growing up so fast, because he is missing SO much. I need my husband back. I need to feel whole again.
I need to continue to pray for patience and understanding....because they are both fading fast. God has never failed me, and will never fail me...I know this..I am just struggling to keep my stress level down, and my happiness level up.
I have NEVER felt exhaustion like this.
We want to make this a forever smile...
We want to make this a forever smile...
Wow. 11 weeks. I did 8 there...the last 4 alone. An amazing turn of events that only God could get credit for. Which is a lasting encouragement even 2 years later. But the pure misery of the process only fades slowly...but does fade over the years. On reflection i tell folks a truth that was impossible for me to grap onto then - "you have victory in a hard-won battle, His battle, - so walk in that victory." Prayer for comfort in Ukraine when attacking such strongholds is probably unrealistic. I know i was so sick of that place and process and spiritual/emotional abuse. Hard to grab a greater perspective in that mess - but I feel obliged to give that truth anyhow. Other battles carry on at home even after 2 years...but good results month to month also take your breath away.
ReplyDeletethank you Mark!:)
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